"I wish I'd been making you as happy as you've been making me. But give me a chance, give me a tad more credit as far as what my brain can comprehend, and I believe that I can be a person in your life to make you as happy as you've made me."

“you know what else i'm gaining from talking to you? it challenges me to think more and to challenge myself and to question my own perspective. well not challenge as in "let me change it to match yours" but it makes me think harder about what i base my beliefs on. that's the whole "gaining another perspective" thing. but it just makes me think a lot more. it makes me understand my own self and my own beliefs even better because i'm being forced to actually think about it rather than accept what i believe.”

10・13・2005

she pulled the same card that i pulled a few months ago. "we're too young and have so many changes and LIFE to go through."

the Clarity that I had was based on her being genuine about seeking the truth and how i admired her desire for that. i thought that we could grow together. but things started fading back to normal and i wish that she challeneged herself more.

everything is falling so fast though. as if she lost total interest and became totally consumed with everything she wanted. i don't know how it happens like this. her card that she wrote just a few weeks ago talks about how she wants to spend forever with me.

how is this forever. what happened.

sigh. i don't know. she's feeling how i felt a few months ago and i guess i was that ready to give it up so fast. it totally relieved me.

10・14・2005

But overall, I still feel so close to you because I feel like I'm still a really big part of your life, and you're still such an important person in my life.

And yeah, because of that, this trip hasn't been intense for me at all.

When I say I'll be home soon, I mean it. Don't let anyone let you know different either.

i was also thinking that we should be honest with each other about whatever we're feeling because even if the other person can't do anything about it, it affects both of us. and i probably won't be able to tell you exactly how i feel until i get home and get settled back to reality, but i know that i will definitely miss you and we will keep in touch for sure. i just don't know how much missing you will affect me i guess.

a lot of people have been asking me what will happen between us now that we're going back home. and i guess my only answer is "i don't know." i think i am okay with that and i hope you are. i hate expectations, so not knowing is just better i guess. always, always, always keep your options open and don't guard your heart too much or you'll never find the love you deserve...

12・17・2005

It’s been real.
I wouldn’t want it to be any other way.
I hope it was worth the taste, our winter getaway.
You kept me warm we found a home in each other’s arms.
We got to go back to our coasts where our lives move on.
Stay beautiful, yeah, you deserve it all.
Stay beautiful, oh, you deserve it all.
Stay beautiful.

LAST WORDS AND GOODBYE

If I told you everything that was on my heart about how I felt you.

Would you just listen and not say anything at all?

RECTEST82

could we just roll with it
i don't think i could resist
i don't know if i'm in it for the chase or for you

you know we're in it so deep
i gave you secrets to keep
did you know that i'm scared it's going to crash down on me?

crash down on me
because that's reality

so get ready
when i tell you "here's the truth, it's for the better.
you're the best thing for now, but a burden for later."
when i say that i can't take it anymore
will you be ready to let me go
will you be ready to just let go

wherever we go, we rock with full potential
and when i'm down i wish that "us" could be more true and simple

so i wish that i could take you for a moment away
and tell you straight up that you mean so much me.

but that's reality,
crashing down on me.

REALITY

and this is what it's like to be anxious and in soo much anticipation.

my heart races and my fingers shake when i think about landing a position with w+k.. i don't know if this is good or bad

i've cancelled all my other offers and would love to work for the nike account.

i wonder if this is what it feels like to anticipate that God is coming.

If only He was coming on Wednesday. haha

5・27・2006

it's kind of sad.

i'm thinking a lot about what home is like. it's where we go to be safe. to be comfortable. to have no worries. to be pampered. to see familiar faces. to even gossip about the same things that occurred years ago. it's to know all the back routes and all the new routes to go to your favorite places. to have really close friends. to have really close friends. to have a group of people that you can identify with.

i dont think i ever found that. hk was the closest.

i'm happy for portland. and i'm beginning to grow numb that i'll never be close to people. to find a group again that embraces each other, maybe i'll say in building each other up too.

06・18・2006